Mr 'Limpy Limpy' is the nom-de-plume of Barb who looks a bit like this!
As tensions between Iran and Israel ratchet up following tit-for-tat threats and increasing concern over Iran's nuclear weapons programme, we speak to the woman whose plain speaking has set the diplomatic channels alight.
From her busy city centre cafe in Worcester, Barbara Witchell, 59, uses her extensive knowledge of the Middle East conflict to conduct ad hoc interventions in one of the most intractable problems in the history of international conflict. Using nothing but a mobile phone and her wit and wisdom, Barb as she is known to her friends and customers, plays the 'shuttle diplomat' between the various power brokers. Her sister Manje once called her the 'Henry Kissinger of the Bacon Butty'
We sit down with Barb amongst the full breakfasts, steaming mugs of tea, and sausage and bacon rolls; struggling to be heard amongst the bleeping of fruit machines, the coughing and shouts of customers and the occasional unsuppressed fart from a nearby 'gentleman of the road'.
Barb, how long have you been involved in the Middle East conflict?
Since 1967, lover, when I won Miss Worcester. They ask what your dreams are for the future, lover, and I said 'world peace' like all the other girls, lover. The man who gave me the prize (gift vouchers for Preedy's the stationary shop) Herbert Short said: "Your lovely figure could easily achieve that, Barbara, especially your breasts". From that moment I decided that I would use my assets to do just that, lover, to achieve world peace! Later Herbert Short, who was the Mayor at the time, got arrested for sexual assault on one of the girls, lover.
Did you know anything about the problems between Israel and the Arab World at the time?
Can I just say, haven't you got lovely eyes, lover, gorgeous eyes you've got lover, ooh I say, lover, you've got come-to-bed eyes you have, lover! No I thought Arabs and Jews were the same, foreigners. I had never heard of Israel and I thought the Middle East was Birmingham, lover. My dad wasn't very keen on foreigners, lover, he was a supporter of Enoch Powell, lover, and Oswald Mosley, he said to me: "The Englishman is the true reflection of God, all other men have been created lower so that the Englishman may have Dominion over them". He was a learned man, my father, though he had never been to school, lover.
How did you go about using your 'assets' to achieve 'World Peace'?
I wrote to Prime Minister Harold Wilson. I found out he was Prime Minister from an article in 'Tit Bits', lover. I sent a photo of me in my Miss Worcester bikini and asked him if he wanted a closer look? I told him what Herbert Short had said, lover, and offered my services to achieving world peace, lover.
Did he reply?
Yes, lover, straight away, in person! I had to hide the letter from my Dad who hated Labour, lover, and read it in my bedroom.
What did it say?
Harold Wilson wanted to meet me, lover, in person! He asked me if it would be possible for me to travel to Salisbury, he would pay, and meet him at a hotel there, he said a date which was in a weeks time, lover, I was 17, lover, I had never left Worcester!
Did you go?
Yes, lover, I wrote back, just in time, and on the date I caught the train to Salisbury. I sold my vouchers from the Miss Worcester competition to pay for my ticket! Harold Wilson said he would give me the money when I got there, lover. I got to the hotel, lover, and asked the receptionist for a mister 'Hubert Catskill' which was the name Harold had told me to use, lover. I was wearing a mini-skirt which was all the fashion then, white knee-length boots and a low-cut top, and my 'Mary Quant' hair do, which I was very proud of, lover.
Weren't you worried? I mean didn't you think it was a bit strange: meeting in a hotel in Salisbury, Wilson using a false name?
I thought it was for security reasons, I really did, lover, I thought we were going to talk about 'World Peace'. Anyway, this porter showed me to a room on the top floor and I knocked and Harold Wilson answered, lover. He was wearing a mac and he had no shoes on just his socks! I noticed that he had no trousers on under his mac and he smelled strongly of Cologne, lover. He asked me in and he was looking me up and down, lover. He looked just like he did on the telly apart from not wearing any trousers, lover!
What did he say?
He asked me if I liked his mac, which of course I said I did, lover, he said it was a 'Gannex' mac and that he owned the company that made them.
He asked me to walk up and down the room like I had in the 'Miss Worcester' show, lover, I noticed that his mac was sticking out at the front and that he was holding on tightly to a chair, lover.
That's horrible, what did you think? That must have been really scary!
I was naive, lover, I thought it was his hand or something! Anyway he asked me to pick something up off the floor, lover, which would have meant bending down in my mini skirt. I had learnt how to bend down gracefully, lover, something they taught you at 'Miss Worcester', I picked up the thing on the floor, a spoon I think, without showing my knickers!
What happened next?
He lunged at me! He was breathing heavy and he went to grab me, lover, I dodged him but he kept on trying to grab me round the waist! By this time his mac was sticking out like a tent, lover, so I grabbed it and yanked it down like this, lover, he fell on the bed, groaning and I ran for the door, lover.
We sit down with Barb amongst the full breakfasts, steaming mugs of tea, and sausage and bacon rolls; struggling to be heard amongst the bleeping of fruit machines, the coughing and shouts of customers and the occasional unsuppressed fart from a nearby 'gentleman of the road'.
Barb, how long have you been involved in the Middle East conflict?
Since 1967, lover, when I won Miss Worcester. They ask what your dreams are for the future, lover, and I said 'world peace' like all the other girls, lover. The man who gave me the prize (gift vouchers for Preedy's the stationary shop) Herbert Short said: "Your lovely figure could easily achieve that, Barbara, especially your breasts". From that moment I decided that I would use my assets to do just that, lover, to achieve world peace! Later Herbert Short, who was the Mayor at the time, got arrested for sexual assault on one of the girls, lover.
Barbara Witchell, aged 17, after winning 'Miss Worcester'
Can I just say, haven't you got lovely eyes, lover, gorgeous eyes you've got lover, ooh I say, lover, you've got come-to-bed eyes you have, lover! No I thought Arabs and Jews were the same, foreigners. I had never heard of Israel and I thought the Middle East was Birmingham, lover. My dad wasn't very keen on foreigners, lover, he was a supporter of Enoch Powell, lover, and Oswald Mosley, he said to me: "The Englishman is the true reflection of God, all other men have been created lower so that the Englishman may have Dominion over them". He was a learned man, my father, though he had never been to school, lover.
How did you go about using your 'assets' to achieve 'World Peace'?
I wrote to Prime Minister Harold Wilson. I found out he was Prime Minister from an article in 'Tit Bits', lover. I sent a photo of me in my Miss Worcester bikini and asked him if he wanted a closer look? I told him what Herbert Short had said, lover, and offered my services to achieving world peace, lover.
Did he reply?
Yes, lover, straight away, in person! I had to hide the letter from my Dad who hated Labour, lover, and read it in my bedroom.
What did it say?
Harold Wilson wanted to meet me, lover, in person! He asked me if it would be possible for me to travel to Salisbury, he would pay, and meet him at a hotel there, he said a date which was in a weeks time, lover, I was 17, lover, I had never left Worcester!
Harold Wilson (right) with 'Hubert Catskill'
who was Wilson's double during his time in hospital
Did you go?
Yes, lover, I wrote back, just in time, and on the date I caught the train to Salisbury. I sold my vouchers from the Miss Worcester competition to pay for my ticket! Harold Wilson said he would give me the money when I got there, lover. I got to the hotel, lover, and asked the receptionist for a mister 'Hubert Catskill' which was the name Harold had told me to use, lover. I was wearing a mini-skirt which was all the fashion then, white knee-length boots and a low-cut top, and my 'Mary Quant' hair do, which I was very proud of, lover.
Weren't you worried? I mean didn't you think it was a bit strange: meeting in a hotel in Salisbury, Wilson using a false name?
I thought it was for security reasons, I really did, lover, I thought we were going to talk about 'World Peace'. Anyway, this porter showed me to a room on the top floor and I knocked and Harold Wilson answered, lover. He was wearing a mac and he had no shoes on just his socks! I noticed that he had no trousers on under his mac and he smelled strongly of Cologne, lover. He asked me in and he was looking me up and down, lover. He looked just like he did on the telly apart from not wearing any trousers, lover!
What did he say?
He asked me if I liked his mac, which of course I said I did, lover, he said it was a 'Gannex' mac and that he owned the company that made them.
He asked me to walk up and down the room like I had in the 'Miss Worcester' show, lover, I noticed that his mac was sticking out at the front and that he was holding on tightly to a chair, lover.
That's horrible, what did you think? That must have been really scary!
I was naive, lover, I thought it was his hand or something! Anyway he asked me to pick something up off the floor, lover, which would have meant bending down in my mini skirt. I had learnt how to bend down gracefully, lover, something they taught you at 'Miss Worcester', I picked up the thing on the floor, a spoon I think, without showing my knickers!
What happened next?
He lunged at me! He was breathing heavy and he went to grab me, lover, I dodged him but he kept on trying to grab me round the waist! By this time his mac was sticking out like a tent, lover, so I grabbed it and yanked it down like this, lover, he fell on the bed, groaning and I ran for the door, lover.
Barbara demonstrates how to bend down in a mini skirt (1968)
What did you do next?
Well I had no money, lover, I only had a single ticket from Worcester, Harold was supposed to have paid for me, Lover, I had to phone Dad and tell him what had happened, he was so angry! My Dad had been in the army, lover, and he still had army friends on Salisbury Plain, the army bases, you know, lover, so he must have arranged for some of them to sort Harold out, if you know what I mean, lover.
How did they do that?
Well I can't really say too much, lover, but it took three days to clear up the mess and the dogs were so excited they had to be caged for a week and slowly weaned off raw meat. Harold was in hospital for six weeks, lover, and they had to use a double for that period. Labour lost a by-election and Harold lost his manhood!...lover.
more later
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