As part of it's continuing program to plot the distribution of wealth and assess the health needs of the world's millions of children, UNESCO has designed a model which seeks to define a median on which can be placed the 'average' man and woman.
The average woman lives in Cape Town, but to the delight of we at Be Quaint Then die, The average man lives in Newport! Yes, UNESCO has decided that Stephen Pritchard, 36, of Fields Park Road is the most normal man in the world!
Stephen, or 'Steve' as he is known to his friends arranges to meet us in the grounds of Tredegar House where he walks his dog. How will we recognise the most normal man in the world? "I'll be wearing a red carnation," jokes Steve.
We meet Steve on a hot July morning and he is indeed wearing a red carnation! Beefy the dog, named after Ian Botham the ex-cricketer, who Steve thinks he vaguely resembles, sits patiently while his owner explains the impact the UNESCO 'accolade' has had on his life:
Steve, you are the most average or normal man in the world. How does that feel?
Different!
When did you first hear about this?
After the Wales/ Ireland match, my mate, Ray, texted me and said it was on Google news.
What was your first reaction?
Well I'd never heard of UNESCO, so I thought it was for my wife, she works in Tesco's!
Do you think you are normal or average, Steve?
I've never thought about it until now, yeah I suppose I am, but what's normal? What's normal to you, might not be the same as what's normal to the next bloke. What do they mean by normal, I dunno.
What do you do for a living Steve?
I work at the Stats.Office, IT mainly, I won't give you my full job title, it's a bit of a mouth full! I started work there in...let me think...1987... yeah that's it, long time but hey...it pays the bills!
Now we've got here some of the questions the UNESCO people asked you when you were tested for... er... normality. can you remember your replys?
Yes some of them, there was one about the car, Yes...I've got a Renault Megan! and some about the kids; There's Sarah whose 18 and Josh whose 24, and I have another son whose 30 I think....yeah he'd be 30 now, He lives in Belgium.
Really, you have a son in Belgium! What's his name? Do you ever see him?
Can we talk about that later?
Yeah...yes Steve, now another question you were asked..., actually a series of questions, was about your lifestyle..., I want to ask you about your family background, later, but this is the order that UNESCO wrote the questions
Ok, fire away Dan Dare! or should I say...er
What was the last music you bought or downloaded?
That's easy, Napalm Death, Zeke and Cannibal Corpse, yesterday, i tunes!
Who!?... Never heard of them... sounds like Metal...
Well yes, what did you expect me to like? Rhianna? Status Quo?
Its not very 'normal' is it?
I told them I liked that sort of music..that must of slipped through!
Ok, next question, Where do you buy your clothes?
Well I'm nearly 50 so its becoming a bit of a problem, I used to shop in Topshop and River Island, but I go to TK Max in Cardiff because of the range and its near Spillers Records!
Do you follow men's fashions?
Look I'm a computer geek, I don't have a clue anymore I've got a rough idea about style but I... my Wife and kids tell me if I look a complete pillock especially my daughter!...and my son for that matter.
Which one?
I said I didn't want to talk about him.
You said later. What's his name?
I'm not going to talk about him, it was a long time ago....
But it's not a long time ago, he's 30 and living in Belgium...
Listen, love, with your caked on make-up and your frumpy dress, I don't want to talk about him, ok?
listen to my eyes, Spartacus, follow the lead of the squirrels... If you can't exceed the speed limit, nobble your accelerator...
Sorry?... what are you talking about...I just asked you a simple question and you insulted me...what was all that other stuff?
Are you a poopy pant ,or are you a panty poo? Have you resolved the differences with your rubber aunty? Deafness always starts at Christmas, ask Melvyn Bragg...lift up a stone and find the holy crayon..muggle a kicklarsh and a firkit will alight...
Stop it Steve! Talk normally, that's what normal people are supposed to do! It's a bit scary..I want to ask you some questions about your family background, now if you don't want to answer just stop me..
Ok, Ping?
Steve where were you born?
Washing machine.
What?
I was born in Washing Machine, Just north of Spandau Ballet's Murmmy! I'm a purrnd!
Steve, are you ok you,ve gone a bit red in the face..
I'm a clinsh a garaaaaayshert a sploonedpoitucro!!
Oh shit, I don't know what to do!
MORE LATER
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