Friday 17 February 2012

EXCLUSIVE! EXCLUSIVE! EXCLUSIVE! We Have an INTERVIEW with Newport's CLOCK!!


John Frost Square housed the eccentric Newport Clock, named 'In the Nick of Time', and described by some as 'a cross between a cuckoo clock and an espresso machine'. The clock was built for the 1992 Garden Festival in nearby Ebbw Vale. Every hour, this bizarre metallic creation shook, whirled and smoked to mark the time. No wonder they called it 'the only white-knuckle clock in the world'.


NEWPORT'S spectacular festival clock could be sold for scrap.The disposal of the the eccentric timepiece, which was once a major attraction in John Frost Square after its stint representing Newport at the 1992 Garden Festival in Ebbw Vale, is one option being considered by the city council.Other proposals include putting it up for private sale, keeping it in storage or restoring and relocating it in Newport.A report to councillors says the refurbishment would bring back a popular attraction for the people of Newport and visitors, saving the authority £8,000 a year in storage costs.

But the work is expected to cost £59,000 with an additional annual maintenance cost of £21,000.If that option is agreed, the clock called In the Nick of Time, would need a new home.While the report says the city centre would be the logical choice, it adds the structure is unlikely to be in keeping with the redevelopment proposals.The roundabouts at junction 28 of the M4 or the Harlequin roundabout on Malpas Road are being considered.But the report says these would not be suitable if the clock was restored to its former glory, where it would open, billow smoke and various characters would pop out, as it could distract drivers.A council overview and scrutiny forum will now consider the options and make a decision on its future.

The popular artwork was removed from the city centre in 2006 to make way for the city centre redevelopment and was dismantled and put into storage and in 2008.The question of whether the clock should be saved divided opinion with some people calling for it to be restored while others questioned the cost of doing that.

HOWEVER, Due partly to online petitioning, and a vocal campaign on Facebook the clock may at last be saved! Positive noises from a council meeting have been heard so all may not be lost!

We have been given an EXCLUSIVE interview with THE CLOCK ITSELF!


At a secret location, just outside Newport we enter a large compound with an industrial shed at one end, this is where the clock is stored ready for a final decision on its future. We are met by Cllr. Ron Griffiths of Newport City Council, he shows us to a small door in the shed through which we are shown the various parts of the impressive clock

Cllr. Griffiths says that the clock or 'Nick' as it is known, is in a good mood so we should have no trouble: "Keep it short boys, and keep it light, if you upset him, he'll be in pieces!"

The clock is indeed in pieces and has been wrapped in hessian sheets for protection. Cllr. Griffiths tells us to aim our questions at the face of the clock.

Cllr. Griffiths leaves and we turn to the clock!

Hello Nick, how are you?

Well,  I'm a clock so I can't speak, but as you ask, not bad as it happens, I prefer it here because it's peaceful.


There is hope that you may be being saved! What do you say to that?

Are you church people? Are you 'born-a-genners'? If so, you can get out of that fucking door!


No, the Council has met to decide your future, there have been positive noises...

How can noises be positive! A noise is a noise as far as I'm concerned, stuff the Council, I'll take my chances here, thank you!

Which did you prefer, the Ebbw Vale Garden Festival or John Frost Square?

John Frost Square, because of the girls! In Ebbw Vale it was all old 'coffin dodgers' and bus loads of kids trying to speak Welsh. In John Frost Square you've got plenty of titty all the time, apart from the odd 'boiler,' now and again. From my vantage point, especially in the summer, you can see right down their chests, lovely!


There has been a campaign to save you: petitions online, a Facebook page. Lots of people saying they miss you, what do you say to all those people who want you back?

Fuck'em. I'm a clock, I want to know how many clocks wanted me back! What about that prick on the Civic Centre? I bet he didn't sign your fucking petition, I bet that one on St Mark's Church didn't shift his arse to book a computer in the library to go on Facebook did he?

Well anyway it looks like you might be back in John Frost Square before long, are you going to do anything different with your act this time?

Yes, less!

There were occasionally mechanical problems. You broke down quite often and were out of action for long periods of time, why was that?

Yeah well, I worked for the Council, if you want to pull a 'sicky' you've got to be a bit clever! I made it look like a fault, but really I just couldn't be arsed. They all do it, the bus drivers, the maintenance guys, the office people. Most of' 'em like a drink if you know what I mean...!

You have spent long periods stood in one place in all winds and weathers, what have you learnt?

That women don't buy the right bras! If they are big, if you know what I mean, they think they've got to buy big bras, bollocks, buy a couple of sizes smaller and let mechanics do the rest. much more pleasing to the male eye! Footballs in a handbag, lovely!

You must have seen some sights!

Oh god yes! I saw this boy and this girl going like the clappers, in The Monmouthshire doorway, must have been there nearly an hour!  Anyway this Community Safety whatever-they-are comes over and has a word with them, couldn't hear what he said, and they look a bit sheepish like.  Anyway would you believe it, next thing I know, the Community Safety whatever whips down his trousers and joins in!  Then he's joined by three of his colleagues, two girls and a man and they join in, I couldn't believe it. Anyway, the doors of The Monmouthshire give way and they all fall inside in a heap! The alarms are going off, glass eveywhere, but, and this is the thing, they're not stopping! Anyway, there was this function at the Dolman Theatre and all these people were leaving, walking across John Frost Square, all dressed up in their glad-rags. The Mayor is there and his Missus. Anyway,  as they walk past, the Mayor stops and says something to one of the bonking bobbies who stands up with his trousers still round his ankles, the others just carry on with the business, which is reaching the moment of ecstasy by the noises whats coming from them.  Anyway, the Mayor starts introducing the bobby to his friends from the Dolman, they're shaking hands, he's kissing these posh women on the cheek, like they do, and going on as if nothing was happening!  Anyway, the Dolman folks disappear with the Mayor and his Missus and the people in the Monmouthshire just carry on... Anyway, about a minute later the Mayor comes back on his own and tries to join in, but he's missed the action and the couple and the bobbies are leaning against a wall having a fag. So the Mayor just stands there and gets his...

Ok THANK YOU, thank you! I think we'll stop there for a moment for us all to calm down.






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